Fall Movie Preview Time!
I usually don’t read Entertainment Weekly, as I usually have better things to do, i.e. anything else. But sometimes you have those ‘lazy’ days when you’re ‘unemployed’ and ‘the only thing on after Passions is Dr. Phil, and even that has been preempted for golf.’ And you find yourself reaching for that friendly pile of horse feces, the appropriately abbreviated EW.The particular issue I happened to reach for the other day has that new James Bond on the cover, the one who looks either really constipated or really drunk most of the time. I guess drunk would make more sense, given the character.
Within the article, I found something I didn’t expect to see in an August — AUGUST! — issue. It was an Oscar Preview. Yes, the Oscars, which JUST HAPPENED in April. Mind you, they’re not comparing movies we’ve actually seen, either. They’re talking about movies that won’t come out for MONTHS. They’ve already pretty much decided who’s going to win awards shows years ahead of time now. Apparently, the content of the film and its writer don’t make much difference, but if we recognize the names of the actors and director, it seems the movie itself is irrelevant. We can already imagine what a Ron Howard movie starring Harland Williams is going to look like, and we judge it accordingly. (Note: I’d really like to see that movie).
The hype machine, of course, usually backfires right before the premiere, ensuring that nobody wants to hear the phrase “Mothafuckin snakes on the mothafuckin plane” ever, ever again, and will thus not be in attendance once the movie hits theaters. Sometimes, though, the hype lasts through the first few months of the movie’s run, and everyone blindly agrees it was everything it was cracked up to be, only realizing, upon second viewing on Cinemax one hungover morning, that it was a shitfest from beginning to end.
So here’s my summary of the shitty fall movies:
The Good Shepherd, directed by Robert DeNiro (here we go). It’s always a bad idea when actors direct movies, because they think characters are the most important part of every movie, whereas, in reality, it’s hot actors getting naked. Angelina Jolie’s in this movie, and I’ll bet you we don’t see tit one. Plus, I’m getting pretty sick of her.
Dreamgirls. This one actually sounds cool. It’s a musical starring all black people (like Idlewild, but instead of fine singers like Andre3000, this one stars Beyonce. Can’t win ‘em all, I guess). It’s about time dark-skinned people were represented in American music (just kidding).
Stranger than Fiction. This just looks retarded. And who the hell put Emma Thompson in it?? Couldn’t get Diane Lane? Emma is cool in England, and I love her to death, but America doesn’t exactly have Nanny McPheever right now.
Flags of our Fathers, by Clint Eastwood, doing more of his World War II nostalgia crapola. My dad would like this movie, but I would rather die. Oh, but they’re doing the same story from Japan’s point of view next year. That’s pretty sweet. I guess Clint Eastwood is liberal, but something about him just strikes me as phony.
Anyway, I guess that’s about enough of that. Another year, another set of movies I don’t really care to see. Plus, I already have my Oscar pick: Harold and Kumar go to Amsterdam. For your consideration.
