Much ado about Liz

Here is something I wrote when Liz got a boyfriend and started hanging out with him a lot.  God, I’m funny.

Benedick/Laura: I do much wonder that one man, seeing how much another man is a fool when he dedicates his behaviors to love, will, after he hath laughed at such shallow follies in others, become the argument of his own scorn by falling in love, and such a man is Liz. I have known when there was no movie with her but Clockwork Orange; and now had she rather see Sweet Home Alabama. I have known when she would have walked ten miles a-foot to drink a good forty; and now will she lie ten nights awake, carving the fashion of a new dog sweater. She was wont to speak slyly and sarcastically, like a clever woman and loose; and now is she turned away from orthography; her words are a very mundane banquet, just so many predictable dishes. May I be so converted and see with these eyes? I cannot tell; I think not. I will not be sworn but love may transform me to an oyster; but I’ll take my oath on it, till he have made an oyster of me, he shall never make me such a fool. One man has a nice ass, yet I am well; another is wise, yet I am well; another buys me diamonds, yet I am well; but till all graces be in one man, one man shall not come in my grace. Extremely ridiculously rich he shall be, that’s certain; smart, without getting all Prousty on me, or I’ll none; virtuous, or I’ll never bail him out; hot or I’ll never look at him; mild or at least not leave bruises; noble, or not I for an angel; of good discourse, an excellent musician, and his hair shall be of what colour it please God.

-Adapted from Much Ado About Nothing, Act II, Scene 3, Leonato’s orchard