A Moral Lesson From Our Beloved Friends, Goofus and Gallant

We all remember the delightful antics of young Goofus and Gallant, as documented in the children’s magazine “Highlights for Children.” Well, here’s a look at them a few years down the line.

Gallant comes home, kisses his wife, and asks her how her day was.

Goofus comes home, smacks his wife, and says, “Bitch, where’s my bourbon?”

Gallant delights his houseguests with a rendition of his favorite piano piece, Rachmaninov’s Prelude in G minor.

Goofus beats himself senseless with a banjo.

Gallant’s wife goes to the local co-op to select healthful, organic food items for her family.

Goofus’ common-law wife goes dumpster-diving behind the Red Lobster.

Gallant married his high-school sweetheart, Susan.

Goofus bedded his first cousin, Latrina.

Gallant takes his family to the Philharmonic for a fine evening of cultural edification.

Goofus steals cable so that his family can watch Smackdown.

Gallant paints the neighbor’s fence as a friendly gesture.

Goofus sniffs paint thinner.

Gallant composes a sonnet.

Goofus writes his name in the snow.

Gallant gives expert testimony on “Lou Dobbs Tonight.”

Goofus doesn’t know who the president is.

Gallant’s son applies to Harvard.

Goofus’ daughter applies at Hooters.

Gallant spends quality time with his kids.

Goofus spends parole time with his kids.

Gallant rides the jitney to his summer home in Easthampton.

Goofus hitchhikes to Hoboken to squat in an abandoned Arby’s off the highway.

Oft in the evening, Gallant goes to an upscale lounge to converse with fellow members of his badminton club.

Goofus goes to the Pussycat Lounge, gets a five-dollar handjob, and passes out in a pool of his own vomit.

Gallant watches “100 Years of Broadway” on PBS and strongly considers pledging that extra fifty dollars to obtain the “Brigadoon” day planner.

Goofus jerks off to “She Spies.”

Gallant wears fine Italian suits to the office.

Goofus doesn’t own shoes.

Gallant has a trust fund set up to ensure that his children may have the opportunity to attend the college of their choice.

Goofus trades his children’s share of the food stamps for another handjob.

Gallant has a glass of Tawny Port after supper.

Goofus robs a liquor store.

Gallant volunteers at the homeless shelter.

Goofus eats at the homeless shelter.

Gallant is strongly opposed to animal cruelty.

Goofus almost graduated from taxidermy school.

Gallant’s family attends church and/or temple every weekend.

Goofus rapes nuns.

*Disclaimer: This article should in no way be confused with the actual “Goofus and Gallant,” who are fine upstanding magazine characters, with a lot of money and lawyers behind them.  Special thanks to the UHS gang.