Why I Love Perez Hilton

I’ve never been able to resist Hollywood gossip.  Whenever I went to the beauty salon or stood in line at the grocery store, there they would be, the faces of Hollywood’s latest starlet or hunky closeted homosexual, and I would think, nice outfits.  I wish I got to wear evening gowns every night, but alas, it’s a wonder I don’t show up to the dinner table in a burlap sack.

So when I noticed my coworker ’surf’ over to perezhilton.com, I said to myself, what is this terrifying vision I see before me?  Is that a picture of Lindsay Lohan’s cooter?

And it was.

Ever since that day, I have been unable to surf away.  For one thing, they put up new material like nobody’s business.  I mean, I’m not saying we’re lazy, but this is the first article I’ve managed to pump out today, and it’s ten p.m..  Perez probably built a house today.  But besides the constant plethora of tasty gossip tidbits, Perez offers something that I’ve always found lacking in such publications as US Weekly, Star, and even the New York Post.  That something is a truly comedic perspective.  But Laura, you may be saying, what about Michael Musto (or Magical Mr. Musto-felees, as I call him)?  Of course I love him, but Perez gains my readership by combining the 24-hour coverage of News Channel New York 1 with the amusing bons mots of Frasier himself.  La Dolce Musto’s weekly can’t help me when I’m jonesing for an up-to-the-second update on some life-or-death situation, like Neil Patrick Harris’ extended coming-out drama, or that time Lindsay Lohan called Paris Hilton a cunt.

Plus, Perez is always making fun of people that need to be made fun of, like Sienna Miller and all those many horsefaced actresses out there, i.e. Julia “Salt Lick” Roberts.  It is always gratifying to see that someone else noticed that so-and-so is a whore, or a cokehead, or a cokewhore.  I have to say, however, the crotch shots are pretty enticing.  You know deep in your heart that you really don’t want to see Britney Spears’ floppy bologna curtains, but there the link is, staring you in the face.  You can’t say no!  I’d like to see you try!

In conclusion, if you like making fun of slutty celebrities, or if you like looking at free pictures of famous genitals, this is the website for you.  I give it four stars (if you want the extra star, Perez, start showing more famous schlongs).