ZZ Top for President

With everyone from the Terminator to Al Franken turning to politics, I can’t help but wonder why there aren’t more celebrities joining the ranks of the politically-inclined. There are the obvious options, the ones that I might actually vote for, like that lovable George Clooney and that sort-of-lovable Oprah Winfrey, but I’m more interested in what will happen when completely ridiculous people start to run. I guess Jesse Ventura falls into that category, but my real point is, I want ZZ Top to run. Yes, I know there’s three of them, but if a solo artist can compete against a band in the Grammies, it can work in politics.

Think of it! Whenever things looked bleak for the U.S., they’d wow us with a costume change, something furry, no doubt, to match their fur guitars. If some foreign country was acting the fool, we’d simply send the Top over to perform a synchronized dance number that involves spinning their guitars, and North Korea or whatever would be so enraptured with the sheer beauty (not to mention the beards) that they’d immediately stop being assholes.

Naysayers may say to me, ‘Nay! ZZ Top couldn’t possibly run for office! They know nothing of politics!’ and, of course, they’d be right. But we all know that brains don’t win elections, that it’s all about looks and charisma. And not only do ZZ Top have pretty much a stranglehold on charisma (if you don’t believe me, check out the way girls respond to their manly-yet-sensitive style and classic cars, as seen in any of their music videos), clearly, they are sharp dressed men. Plus, in at least one of their fine music videos, they are clearly seen to disappear into thin air. This power could come in very handy in assassination situations.

Plus, there’s that song about pearl necklaces. Ha ha, pearl necklace.