Mary Does Jesus: An Erotic Short Story

Jesus first spotted Mary the night of graduation from Hebrew school.  Jesus and a bunch of his friends decided to have a tailgate party, so they drove their mulecart down to the lake and propped open the back, where they proceeded to consume large quantities of “water.”
Two of Jesus’ buddies, Peter and Luke, broke out a fatty J and handed it to Jesus, saying “You know you always get greens, J, don’t play dumb.”
Jesus high-fived Luke, replying “What can I say, it’s good to be the king!”
Suddenly there was a commotion across the lake.  A ghetto-looking cart pulled up onto the beach, and out of it spilled a bevy of nubile young ladies dressed in rather revealing earth-tone rags.
“Oh snap, it’s the chicks who go to school over in Magdalene!” Peter said.  “I heard that Mary chick has the hots for a certain son of God!”
“Seriously?  Which one is she?” Jesus asked, straightening his hair as best he could.  When he spotted the one Peter was pointing to, he shook his head.  “Come on, man, I heard she’s a downright ‘ho.”
“Since when did that stop you?”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Jesus said, and after getting psyched up with a shot of Jäger, he lit a cigarette and strolled over to Mary’s side of the lake, trying to look casual.  The Magdalene girls giggled and whispered as he approached, and finally pushed Mary towards Jesus so she could talk to him alone.
“Hey,” she said shyly as he walked up.  She pointed to his cigarette.  “You got another one of those?”
“Sure thing.”  He pulled one out and lit it for her.  “What’s a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?”
She smoked sexily.  “My friends and I come out here to get away from our parents, have a few drinks, the usual shit.”
“Hey, why don’t you ladies come and join us?  Seems silly us having two separate parties like this, especially when my buddy Luke there just got dumped by his girlfriend of two years.”  Jesus pointed Luke out and shook his head sadly.
“Oh my God, poor guy!” Mary said.  Her friends echoed this sentiment, and Jesus made a mental note that Luke owed him a beer.
“Yeah, ouch, right?  Come on, I’ll help you carry the cart.”
An hour and three rounds of “Asshole” later, Mary whispered something in Jesus’ ear that nearly made his head spin.
“Uh, we’ll be right back,” Jesus explained as he led Mary away from the beach.  Their friends hooted and hollered as the red-faced duo made their way into the woods.
“My friends are totally gonna give me shit about this,” Mary said, giggling.
“I’ll bet they’ll be doing the same thing in an hour.  Trust me, nobody’s judging us here,” Jesus said.  They stopped to make out, leaning against a tree.  After a few seconds Mary broke away.
“Hey, I don’t know what you might’ve heard, but I’m not a hooker.”
“You think I’d be here if I thought you were some kinda ‘ho?  Baby, I respect you,” Jesus said.
“I mean, I’m no virgin either.”
“Shit, neither am I,” Jesus said, winking.  “Now what do you think?  My place or yours?  We can use heaven.  Hang on a sec, let me call this guy and make sure my dad isn’t home.”  While Jesus made his phone call, Mary checked her makeup and made sure she had a condom (she hoped Jesus didn’t mind that it was lambskin; she knew he was a vegan and all).
“All right, it’s cool,” he said, hanging up.  “We’ll go in through the back way.”
“I like where this is going,” Mary said slyly.
Jesus did some kind of crazy magical transportation thing, holding onto Mary like he was Superman or something.  They re-materialized on a giant cloud, which had a luxurious silky texture that Mary found quite erotic, like satin sheets times a million.
“Chicks always dig the clouds,” Jesus said, kicking off his sandals.  Mary responded by undoing her sash, which caused her whole outfit to drop off in one fluid movement.  Jesus cringed with desire and fought off the urge to pounce on Mary, with her perfectly rounded melons and recent bikini wax.  He was secretly relieved that her nickname, “Hairy Mary,” was a misnomer.
Jesus removed his own sash and let his tunic-type outfit fall off.  He blushed slightly as Mary licked her lips, taking in the sight of what was literally the biggest Johnson in the world.  “Yeah, you know you want it, bitch,” he thought to himself.
They came together with a rush of passion that didn’t let up until they were both sprawled out, completely spent, across the cloud.  Jesus had never felt so turned on in his life, and as he thought back on all the nasty things Mary had done to him (not to mention the fucked up stuff he did to her), he thought “Damn, she could actually be the one.”  For a thought like this to enter the mind of a confirmed player like Jesus was nothing short of a miracle, and as he spooned with Mary, admiring the fullness of her booty, he said to himself, “Goddamn that’s a nice ass.  Hallelujah Amen!”