Pet Rant

I don’t know if there’s anyone on this earth of ours that finds more delight in the mere sighting of a dog than yours truly.  Any ‘ol canine trotting by, be it a tiny little rat-like yipper or a giant furry beast reminiscent of Beethoven, will grab my attention from whatever poignant conversation I was immersed in and throw it entirely over to the dog’s adorable existence. Pets of all kinds (gross stuff excluded) bring me delight that few things may top (yes, booze is one of them). Even so, I have found it to be true that some animal-lovers simply go too far. Here are a few guidelines to keep in mind if you hope to fall within the boundaries of sane pet owner/lover.

Clothing

Clothing on animals is hilarious. I can’t think of anything more entertaining or adorable than a dog wearing a classy sweater as it holds its head proudly for all to see.  True, articles of clothing may not be “necessary” or “practical” for all kinds of animals, but isn’t all that negativity at the root of one of society’s greatest ills to date?  The abandonment of aesthetic concerns for rigid, boring “function” or “necessity” will turn us all into robots one day, to be sure.  While my own dogs Maggie’s adorable candy cane number may not be necessary, or even safe, on the scorchingly hot sidewalks of Tucson, just think of the freezing blood of a poor, thin-skinned Greyhound trying to enjoy a walk in NYC. Clearly, covering up is not only an option, but a must for big-time city dogs. This being the case, it’s no surprise that dog clothing has risen in popularity in recent years. People here like them their fashion, canine or otherwise, and they’ll go to great lengths to be atop its most recent trends.  Me, I’m more of a throw on whatever’s practical (and adorable!) sorta dog owner.

Costumes on animals take this concept to a new, even more hilarious level. You’re probably aware that costumes are available, through simply utilizing the power of the Internet, for animals of all shapes and sizes.  These uproariously amusing getups range from pretty, pretty princess dress to wacky cowboy to daring leather jacket. It’s now possible for a pet to not only be a thing in your life that provides companionship and love, but a thing you can point and laugh at for literally hours on end. You may be pleased to learn that this awesomeness extends to guinea pigs as well.  I pointed this wonderful fact out to a friend of mine once, who in response said “I don’t know…I don’t think he’d like it.” Fool! The point isn’t that the animal in question would enjoy wearing clothing, or even have any idea what was going on at all beyond “I hope it’s almost dinner time.” The point is, animals in costumes look funny.

Spoiling

While there’s no question that pets can provide something very special in people’s lives, especially if these people are depressing losers who fail to interact normally with human beings, it is easy to take their presence in your life too far. The number of ways available in today’s twisted society for over-pampering are downright outrageous. I’d say that you’ve crossed this line when your pet’s beauty regimen surpasses — in time, intricacy, and expense — that of an actual person.  True, a filthy street bum might in reality be dirtier than a fancy poodle living in a mansion with rich folk, but I’m sure you can catch my drift. There are numerous sources available through which to purchase frivolous pet items, and many of these are exorbitantly expensive. Anyone buying their new puppy a diamond collar should first consider the starving children of the world, or for that matter the empty liquor cabinet of some sad human being. We needn’t forget that no matter how awesome a pet may be, its societal status should not outshine that of a real person.

Not Letting People Enjoy Your Pet

It pisses me off when people are sheepish about letting you enjoy their pet. You’ll be walking down the street, not thinking about puppies, when suddenly out of the corner of your eye you catch the ecstatic swish of a tail or the jingle-jangle of dog-tags as a little cutie ambles adorably by.  What could this doggie’s owner expect but that any animal lover would wish to pet the little guy and perhaps add a bit of joy to their day? Surprisingly, sometimes I’ll walk up to a pet owner and start squealing incoherencies at their animal, only to be met with scowls from their selfish mugs. Looks like Fido over here earned more manners at Puppy College than you did in “real life.”

This scenario was exemplified perfectly one sunny afternoon when I met the rudest animal owner I had aver encountered.  There I was, innocently enjoying some brews while seated on the outdoor porch of a bar, when what should appear but some dude with a freakin’ baby goat on a leash.  We all know that baby goats are sickeningly cute, so that to ignore such a sight would have been simply mad.  Plus, who the fuck has a pet goat in NYC anyway?  As soon as this dude, his lady friend, and little goaty had taken a seat, conveniently right next to mine, I chimed in with a barrage of question. Why do you have a pet goat? Where did you get it? Does it eat cans? Are you going to get rid of the thing as soon as is become a boring, regular goat? And for some reason that still baffles me today, this fellow was entirely unresponsive to my goat-related interrogation. In fact, he was visibly annoyed.  He brushed my questions aside with quick, one word answers and a strings of pshaws, making it more than clear that I should leave him and his company alone. Now, being tactful as I am I quietly turned aside and tried to continue on with my imbibing, but I kept hearing little goat wails over my shoulder, which the animal lover in me interpreted as “Come play with me Liz” and “Got any cans?” Seriously, who walks around NYC with a goddamn baby goat and then acts like a giant asshole when he learns someone is intrigued?  Oh well, the joke’s on him, because I happen to know that baby goats tend to eventually turn into giant, head-butting monsters. Take that, jerkface!