Laura Eats a Totino’s Party Pizza
For those of you who either don’t know me or are bad friends, I’ll fill you in on one very important fact about yours truly: I really, really like Totino’s Party Pizza. It isn’t simply a love of pizza that possesses me to make the journey to the store so often for those sweet discs of goodness. Nor is it a particular fondness of frozen foods, though I’ll confess I’ve a bit of a soft spot for them. No, it’s a magical and enigmatic power unique to the Totino’s brand, perhaps the work of demons or deities. The world may never know how these pizzas came to be so delicious, but all I know is I’m going to keep buying them until the day they’re taken off the market, or my death, whichever comes first. My only wish is that more stores in my area sold them, because while on vacation in faraway lands, I’ve come across Totino’s in such exotic and amazing flavors, flavors like Mexican style and Canadian Bacon, which I never saw when I was younger and which I’ve yet to find in my ‘hood. To date, I’ve only sampled the Cheese, Sausage, Pepperoni and Combination varieties of this holiest of delicacies, and the knowledge that there are others out there, just waiting for me to lay lips on them, has kept me awake many long nights. In short, I like this pizza. So without further ado, here is an account of my journey to Pizzaland (i.e. heaven) just a few short hours ago, which is representative of how I spend a depressingly large portion of my life.
Earlier today there was a rumblin’ deep inside, and I knew it only meant one thing: Party time….Pizza style. First I checked our leftover pizza supplies, being poor and all, but alas, I found that someone had snagged the last slice. Bummer!
No biggie, though, for that meant that it was time for one of my favorite activities…going to buy a Totino’s Party Pizza at the nearby convenience store! It looked like rain, so I packed my trusty New York-style street umbrella, which I call Cheapy.
The rain let up by the time I got to the store, On the Run, which Liz and I like to make fun of by calling it “Got the Runs.”
A hideously overpriced DiGiorno frozen pizza tried to woo me from another shelf, but I only had eyes for my dear Totino’s. DiGiorno tries to be all high and mighty, but I don’t know anyone who’d mistake it for delivery. Unless it was a delivery of shitty frozen pizza. You know, from Fresh Direct or something.
As I often fancy a cocktail to complement fine meals, I decided to pick up a couple of Sparks energy/booze drinks to wash down the deliciousness.
I put away the pizza (and a backup for next time) for the time being, as the night was still young, but I knew that soon this boring evening would become a raging pizza party!
Once properly tight (and jittery), I was ready to put my culinary skills to the test.
Soon the air was thick with the smells of Italy. Dinnertime was nigh. My excitement rose to an indescribable peak as I quartered the steaming pizza pie.
Success! As I chowed down, I was reminded of all the other delicious Party Pizzas I’d eaten in my day, and how amazing it is that fake cheese can melt so cheesily. But mostly I thought, “This is the best food ever invented by mankind.”
The End
