The Top 7 Animals

7. Cats

Much has been written about the independent and sassy nature of cats, but they’re also really cute when they’re little.  Plus, as any cat owner will tell you, they’re extremely communicative and in tune with human emotions.  I guess that explains why they’re considered a womanish pet.

6. Dogs

Dogs are also very cute when they’re young, but when they get old they get kind of stinky and crotch-obsessed for my taste.  Still, I have to give them props for how they’ve managed to worm their way into humanity, such that I doubt they’ll ever be wanting for owners.  An interesting survival tactic to say the least.

5. Lions

Once the mighty ruler of the jungle, the lion is now merely a supporting player in the ongoing drama of the animal kingdom.  Still, lions are neat, especially when they sing Elton John songs and represent themes from Hamlet in Disney films.

4. Dolphins

You’ve got to give dolphins some credit for learning to communicate with humans.  Granted, they mostly push buttons and otherwise use body language.  I mean, if they really wanted to live among us, they’d learn English.  But did you know that if you go swimming with the dolphins while you’re pregnant, they’ll hear the two heart beats and the lady dolphins will surround you and do a little tribal ceremony to bless your baby?  Cool, huh?  Also, they rape people.

3. Monkeys/Apes

I like when monkeys wear outfits like people.  I also like when they star in feature films alongside TV’s Joey.

2. Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs come pretty close to being the coolest animal in the world, but in the end, they couldn’t hold it together.  I mean, I can’t be giving the prize to some animal who couldn’t even make it to the birth of man.

1. Man

Okay, maybe I’m biased, but I happen to think that we’re pretty badass as a species.  Sure, we have our minor disagreements, and we can’t take care of our own planet, and we exploit and destroy every other species we come into contact with, but our impressive achievements outweigh all that, right?  Right?