Cast Away 2: The Search for Wilson

You know what would make a really great movie?  A sequel to the Tom Hanks blockbuster Cast Away in which Tom’s lovelorn FedEx dude decides he’s going to go back out to that ocean and find Wilson, no matter what it takes.  In case you don’t remember, Wilson was Tom’s best friend until he got lost at sea during the most heart-wrenching scene perhaps ever put on film.  Wilson was also a volleyball.

So in the sequel as I see it, Tom goes out to sea with a state-of-the-art boat, and eventually he comes back to his old island, perhaps even gets stranded there again!  But wait, didn’t that already happen in River, the sequel to the beloved teen novel Hatchet?  Ah well, the survival genre has a limited range of options when it comes to sequels, and nobody remembers Hatchet anyway.

Once Tom gets to the island, he discovers that there’s a whole bunch of volleyballs that fell off a boat or something, and they’ve turned into a tribe that worships Wilson due to his classy, human-like appearance and blood-stained face!  They think he is the God of the Volleyballs.

So Tom is like, “You silly volleyball, you’re coming home with me.  See you later, tribe!” and he takes Wilson with him back home (a rescue plane comes conveniently).  When he gets home, he finds out Helen Hunt left her douchey husband, and she’s like “now we can finally date!”  But he was probably dating that girl with the angel wing box from the first movie.  Oh well, we can explain that away, like, she died of a rare disease between films.  Or she went to war and died in combat; that’ll be a hit with the red states.

So they get back together and get married, and Tom starts forgetting about Wilson, and eventually he stuffs him in a box somewhere, like a forgotten teddy bear.  But Wilson doesn’t like being left alone, so like the doll in that Twilight Zone episode, he starts to turn evil.  Tom wakes up in the middle of the night and Wilson’s sitting at the foot of his bed, that kind of thing.

Eventually they have a death battle, a la Chucky in Child’s Play, and Tom eventually ties him up with chains and drops him back to the bottom of the sea, thinking he’s done his job.  But we end with the creepy and totally unexpected revelation that Wilson’s still alive, when suddenly his eye opens as we cut to the credits.  Hello trilogy!