Did you ever notice that policemen have a soundtrack?

In the wild, animals are forced to defend themselves using whatever tools they have at their disposal, whether it be showing off their bright colors, emitting nasty smells, or the ever popular method of making intimidating noises. Sometimes these tools are used for other purposes as well, such as asserting dominance over the quivering prey that isn’t yet aware it’s seconds away from becoming dinner.

This brings me to the subject of police officers. Have you ever noticed that you can hear cops before you can see them? Granted, now that common folk use their obnoxious walkie-talkie phones all day long like they’re on an important combat mission, it’s easy to mistake some douchebag waiting on line at Duane Reade for an officer of the law. But cops still dominate the walkie-talkie world, and that blooping, bleeping, stuttering static, that unmistakable song of the dispatch unit, will forever be associated with the long arm of the law.

And isn’t that just what they want? Like predators in the wild, police officers benefit by appearing as threatening and authoritative and official as possible. Their strength is in the respect and, yes, the fear they conjure in those who cross their paths. So isn’t it a good idea to have a distinctive soundtrack, something people will associate with importance and power? When you’re a teenager accustomed to fleeing keg parties when the cops show up, that walkie-talkie sound starts to give you a Pavlovian panic reaction every time you hear it. I’ll wager the same is true of drug dealers and, er, ladies of the night.

I just hate the fact that the sound is so robotic sounding. It makes me think of all the things I hate about policemen. And really, what’s with all the white noise? Can’t they figure out a way to keep the line clear when nobody’s using it? I personally think cops have a little button they can push to make those shrill static noises, just to scare drivers as they walk up to the window. It would be nice if they had, say, muzak on there in the background. Nothing fancy, just a little background music the cop can tap his foot to while he keeps watch over the streets. I’ll bet it would put him in a much better mood.