The 2007 Celebrity Superlatives – The Best, Worst, and Freakiest

As 2007 comes to a close, I would like to take a look back at some of the celebrity moments that have defined this year. I warn you, it wasn’t a pretty year.

Most Differently-Abled Celebrity

Britney Spears took this category, and not by a nose. She redefined non-medical retardation this year, what with her shitty parenting, her pill-popping, amphetamine-snorting ways, and her hideous outfits. But I still say people should lay off the snaps about Brit shaving her head. The news personalities have been saying things like, “Before that, we only thought something was wrong. After she shaved her head, we knew she was out of control.” Since when is a shorn head proof of mental disease? Something about all that strikes me as sexist.

Most Transparently Self-Serving Hollywood Trend

Anything that refers to itself as Green has officially gotten on my last nerve. I’m all for environmentalism, but I was also all for environmentalism back in 1992 when it was called just that, and when Global Warming was all over the newspapers. This time around, nothing seems to have changed, except some intern has been going around coining catch phrases that’ll look good on CNN’s website. Words and phrases like “Green,” “Carbon Footprint,” “Biofuel” (whatever that means) and the like have obscured the real message, all the while lining the pockets of executives at GE and countless other companies.

Most Over-Documented News Event

The death of semi-celebrity Anna Nicole Smith. Before she died, she was a laughingstock, a vomiting, slurring clown that only existed in the public eye as an oddity, a sideshow freak at best. But the second she dies, the woman’s fucking Mother Theresa! I ask you, why?

Grossest Celebrity Couple

Michael Bolton decided to hook up with Desperate Housewives’ Nicolette Sheridan. As if that wasn’t bad enough, he decided they should make an album together. It’s as if the God of Tackiness is hard at work, conspiring to create the Antichrist of Taste.

Most Simultaneously Hypnotic and Revolting Celebrity Trend

Jail to Rehab and back to Jail again. The Keystone Cops aspect of it wore off a long time ago, and now it’s just getting in the way of more interesting celebrity news. Say, news about junkies like…

Heroin Spokesman and Spokeswoman of the Year

…Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse. They’ve been chillaxing together lately, which leads me to believe that they may be headed for romance. Yes, Amy’s, like, totally, completely devoted to Blake Fielder-Something, but he’s in the slammer! Nothing wrong with a quick one whilst he’s away, ey, Winey?

Freakiest Baby

That weird Suri Cruise character. Not only is it abnormally perfect (they probably paid top dollar to have its genes tuned up in the womb) and creepily doll-like in appearance, it’s a born Scientologist, raised by the King of the Scientologists himself. That kid’s going to be a little Damien soon enough, and I can’t wait! I’d like to see her throw little Shiloh Jolie across the room…with mind bullets!

Most Pathetic Musician

Kid Rock. This February, he divorced Pamela Anderson, losing any scrap of credibility that sham marriage might have given him. Then he spent the rest of the year bitching about it. Jesus Christ, Kid, we get it, you’re white trash! Enough.

Fakest Couple

Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens win this prize, hands down. Several tabloids have posted blind (and not-so-blind) items about how Disney is forcing this unfortunate “couple” to maintain the façade of heterosexual romance, despite Zac’s obvious homosexuality. The only thing that could make it more obvious would be, say, if he kissed his copilot on the stairs of his private jet.