The Love Guru

Did somebody make this film in a drunken stupor? It’s AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Awful!

I can’t believe I spent a whole hour downloading it. That’s a total of two and a half hours I’ll never get back. Mike Myers stole them from me.

Let me count the ways I hate this film:

1. It is really racist and offensive. If I were Indian I would be pissed.

2. It’s quite obvious that Mike knew how bad and thrown-together it was and he kept promoting it anyway with that same boring story about his dead father who liked Peter Sellers movies. I don’t give a shit if his dad was God, he should have kept this little tribute to himself.

3. Mini-Me jokes, still? It’s not OK to make sport of midgets just because they’ll participate for money! And the jokes are so many levels below the quality of even Austin Powers 3, so the whole thing comes off as borderline creepy and cruel.

4. Jessica Alba.

5. Weird graphics appear on the screen occasionally to illustrate the guru’s lessons being applied, as if we were in first grade and needed a visual aid. Not to mention the actual visual aids (i.e. overhead projector) that Mike uses for his useless philosophical prattling. I know he’s just making fun of Deepak Chopra, but I don’t think the rest of us find that as screamingly hilarious as Mike does. And Mike? You know that story about how you used to call up your friends with this voice and they just thought it was a laugh and a half? They were humoring you.

6. Instead of hiring a child actor for a five minute scene, Mike decides to digitally plant his face on some kid’s shoulders. What kind of ego trip is that? It reminds me of Eddie Murphy. Not good, especially when his co-player in the scene is an actual child without a freaky CGI head bobbling around.

7. Mike’s lame attempts to recapture the wacky, random spirit of Austin Powers with characters like Jacques “Le Coq” Grande (played by Justin Timberlake), who has a big wang (just replace that with any other exaggerated physical characteristic — insta-Mike Myers character!). It’s not really funny or interesting, but Justin did a semi-decent job I guess.

8. The fact that Romany Malco from Weeds was completely wasted in a thankless, one-dimensional athlete role.

9. It has the look and feel of a movie whose release was delayed for retooling or reworking, year after year, most likely shelved for a while, and finally released when Jessica Alba became famous or something along those lines. Remember My Boss’ Daughter? Like that.

I’m getting nauseous. I think I have to stop trying to recall details about this movie. Just don’t see it! Not while drunk! Not even while extremely baked! Rent Forgetting Sarah Marshall instead — it’s so many thousands of times better!

If only there were a way to wash out your brain.