Fun Fun Movie Cliches
Here are some patterns I’ve noticed from watching entirely too much television and cinema:
-School classes always last 5 minutes. Just watch, you’ll see–the bell rings, people sit down, the teacher talks for a minute, and then the bell is ringing a scant few minutes later. Makes for good scene transitions, I know, but it’s also incredibly stupid.
-Everyone orders drinks at bars and then doesn’t drink them. This is more true of crappy movies, ones where the screenwriter and/or the director doesn’t have a concept of timing actions in scenes, but other than lighting a cigarette and then immediately putting it out, few things irk me more. Even if it’s only stage liquor, dammit, I hate to see a drink go to waste.
-Nobody ever cries when they get injured. Usually when you see a grown man or woman do something as simple as twist their ankle on a cobblestone street, their instinctual response is to burst into tears. In movies, folks be getting shot and stabbed and such, and they barely flinch. The only exception I can think of is Bruce Willis–I recall that his tears of pain in “Die Hard” are what made Terry Gilliam cast him for “12 Monkeys.” Terry knows what’s up.
-Nobody ever takes anybody’s contact info, but they all seem to know how and where to find each other. Especially in a city like New York, that makes little to no sense. If I lost my phone, my friends would be as good as dead to me.
-When there’s a crazy car chase going on, with two or three maniac cars smashing their way through a highway pursuing each other, jumping on the hoods and all that, why do the other, non-involved cars keep driving? I’d pull over.
-Whenever there’s a disaster, they show people gathering around TVs in public places all over the city as soon as the news update hits. Come on, really? When’s the last time you saw a TV that was tuned to the news at all? The businesses in my neighborhood mostly stick to Telenovelas. It would be weeks before I knew there was a war if I relied on that shit.
-Speaking of war, when they show young soldiers going off to fight, they’re always getting on a bus of some kind. Last time I checked, soldiers these days use the damn airport. Where is this war, Milwaukee? Maybe it’s just the airplane shuttle they’re waiting for.
In conclusion, get it together, Hollywood! TV and movies are confusing enough for stoners without having to make sense of illogical claptrap like this.
