The 2009 Golden Globe Awards - Laura weighs in

Before somebody points it out, I know the above photo is of Oscar statuettes. I just don’t have the time to waste on photo editing when there’s so much Hollywood feces to scoop out of the giant TV litter box that is my brain.

Notes and observations:

-I don’t like the whole cutting straight to the Best Supporting Actress award thing. What happened to showmanship? I want a little song and dance before getting down to business. Plus, the poor losers have to spend the rest of the show pissed off. P.S. Jennifer Lopez looked stupid.

-Alec Baldwin made a quick but obvious attempt to patch things up with his daughter Ireland during his speech. He should’ve finished it “…you spoiled fat pig.”

-Heath Ledger’s corpse got a Golden Globe. I’m sure that makes him feel better. They should have reanimated him so he could give an acceptance speech from beyond the grave. Now he’s a lock for the posthumous Kids Choice Award!

-Sean Penn and Milk snubbed! I guess important issue-oriented films have gone out of fashion, in favor of Bollywood and wrestling pictures. Wrestling pictures, for god’s sake!

-Renée Zellweger looked like poop on a platter. The hair, the dress, even her dazed demeanor. No, no, and no.

-Tina Fey wore quite the cleavage-filled outfit. And she won, which is pretty cool. Her character on 30 Rock is pretty damn hilarious, even if her name is that of my nemesis.

-Kate Winslet swept that shit! Two awards for two movies? Meryl Streep is probably smashing wardrobe mirrors right now, and considering a visit to Isabella Rosellini.

-Dammit! Dexter got Dissed! It’s my favorite show, and Michael C. Hall deserves an award simply for being so attractive. Gabriel Byrne indeed.

-Slumdog Millionaire made quite the showing, picking up all the major Drama awards. Nice! Danny Boyle deserves the recognition.

-Seth Rogan has slimmed down. I don’t know that it suits him.

-The poor schmucks who made Kung Fu Panda didn’t actually think they had a chance against Wall-E, did they? I wonder why some of these people even bother showing up. Oh yeah, there’s free booze. Well never mind!

-Can we please ditch the Best Original Song category? It sucks ass. At least I predicted it accurately, because I utilized the Bruce-and-Bob rule: whenever Bruce Springsteen or Bob Dylan is up for one of these crap song awards, they always win. I don’t know if that’s actually true, but it sounds right.

-Colin Farrell totally deserved that win for In Bruges. You gotta love a drunken, heroin-doing, hooker-loving, foul-mouthed Irishman.

Well that’s that. There’s a complete list of winners here, if you’re curious for some godforsaken reason.