F.A.Q.

Q: How did you get to be so cool?

A: Well kids, don’t let our astounding capacity for awesomeness send you into a swirling tundra of jealousy. We just happened to be born with a slightly higher than natural dosage of wit, the correct sprinkling of tastelessness, and the livers of five German soldiers. Shake this all together in a kitchen mixer made of peace and love, bake for exactly four hundred and twenty minutes, and you’ve got yourself a double-decker coolness pie, with icing on top. You know, icing is really fucking good. They should bottle and sell that stuff by the jar. Oh wait…yes…to the grocery store!

Q: You are the hottest girls I’ve ever seen. Will you go out with me?

A: While Laura seems to have been spending an awful amount of time with one “Chris” lately (I think they might be courting!), Liz would be more than happy to take gentleman callers. Please come by only following afternoon tea, dressed in your most dandy. First you’ll have a chat with her father, and then you’ll be expected to complete a short written exam and physical fitness test. Next fetch one eye from the fabled Mystical Dragon of the North, and bring it back to her in a diamond carrying case from Tiffany’s.

Or, get her drunk. She’s real friendly.

Q: You talk big, but just how much do you really drink?

A: Stopping by on a random Tuesday night to find us lounging on the couch, the floor littered with Natty Ice cans, might just answer your question. Ever since we got our first taste of the hooch back in our formative years, our days and nights alike have been centered on the joy that is wetting away our troubles with a gulp of dangerous poison. Let us take a look into the not so distant past…

The first time Liz got faced was a magical day. She was on an overnight train traveling from Moscow to St. Petersburg, a fabulous leg of her high school class trip to Europe. She and a few other innocent friends were politely playing Parcheesi in their car as the train teetered along, when suddenly there came a knock at the door. ‘Twas the drink cart, and in this beautiful land the word “minor” didn’t exist. Cans of champagne were ordered, and soon the innocent ride through the night turned into a party train, Russian style. Let’s just say that Liz and her gang of cut-ups shockingly were not the only high school students who took advantage of such an opportunity. Liz still speaks fondly of stumbling down the narrow, already wobbly hallway to the tiny bathroom at the end of the car and thinking to herself “This is the greatest thing I have ever experienced.”

As for Laura, she and Liz went out to a “my parents are out of town so let’s drink in their house” party, and as it was Halloween she was all gussied up in a Goddess costume. After much dancing, giggling, and innocent high school flirting, Laura partook in one too may shots of Popov and suddenly grasped at her stomach in confused pain. “Yer gonna vom!” Liz declared in terror and hastily headed her pal toward the safety of outside…but alas, Laura couldn’t make it out the doorway before the fury let loose. So there in front of half her class, little Laura had her first drunken puke in their friend’s doorway. A picture of this very night, costume and all, somehow ended up in our senior yearbook.

And so we carry on thusly, liver damage be damned!

Q: Are you hiring?

A: Oh yes, indeed. That is, if by “hiring” you mean taking on lowly interns. We’d be more than happy to help you earn college credit for doing almost nothing at all. Forget coughing out a barely passable midterm paper at 4am the day before it’s due in the interest of “learning something.” Instead, earn actual college credits for fetching our coffee, making trips to the liquor store, and shuffling through the literally thousands of fan letters that come to our offices daily. For those of you who are out of college and looking for that first big break, we can’t actually “pay” you “money,” but the resume fodder we provide will certainly coat that empty stomach of yours with “experience.”

You’ll be given your own overturned cardboard box, pencil holder, pens, and business cards (they’re good at parties), and be set up right nice in the corner of our offices in Brooklyn. Earn not only valuable real world experience, but the loyal friendship of Liz and Laura. Perks may include access to our general fabulousness, entrance to all the coolest parties, and booze a’plenty.

If you just want to become our buddies, we approve! Just send us one of them convenient emails and tell us about your endeavors artistic, entertaining, or drunken, and we’ll add you to our entourage and/or links page. Seriously, email us — it makes us feel important.

Q: Who is this “Chris” we hear so much about?

A: That’s an excellent question. Click here to find out all about the enigma that is Chris.

Q: Do you think world peace is possible?

A: Sure do, fuckface.

Q: Do you have merchandise I can spend my hard-earned money on?

A: Of course! Show your peers just what style’s all about with a unique item from our merchandise shop at Zazzle! Because that’s what Liz and Laura are all about: selling out.